Didn't see it obviously so I can't comment, but I think we have a chance to just take the pressure off ourselves for the rest of the season and get back to just doing the simple stuff, rather than worrying about winning/conceding goals.
Good to hear the numbers for Newquay are looking good - hopefully I'll see you all on Thursday if this project is finished and we can sort out proper numbers there. Trying to find out what this place needs as a deposit so I'll let you know as soon as I do...
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Another poor result lads, and another poor performance. I think we need to discuss whats going wrong when we havent just come off the pitch, or when we're not just about to go on it. Not too sure what went wrong today, everyone was knackered when we came off the pitch so we all put effort in, and we did pass the ball around well at times. Perhaps it felt a bit like we were playing with 6 midfielders rather than a four and a two, which is the fault of all 6 of us! We needed to be more disciplined there, and at the back, and keep our shape more. We need to close down more and make life easier foe ourselves, rather than wasting energy chasing the ball when they have it; too many times someone would close one of their players down, only for him to pass the ball to an unmarked man.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Playground Football
by Christopher Brookmyre
Duration
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "bampots". This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "no' a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
The Ball
There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I shall describe three notable examples.
1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst. Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game. Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to return.
2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.
3. The "Tube". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete, but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying "whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball when wet, smells like a dead dog.
Offside
There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size pitch", and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as "moochers", "gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates' failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.
Adjudication
The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted ways of doing this.
1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a pure skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.
2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand that the concept we know as "justice" rests in these circumstances with the hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively elected.
Team Selection
To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players' ability, there is also a sliding scale of players' brutality and propensities towards motiveless violence. A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he'd "rather have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in".
Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his gemme", and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked late and withdraws his favours.
Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up the other end.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "Ye canny make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".
Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.
Bigger boy steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Chic Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage:
Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "moochin' wee bastart" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.
*Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's no' a full-size pitch".
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch
by Christopher Brookmyre
Duration
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "bampots". This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "no' a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
The Ball
There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I shall describe three notable examples.
1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst. Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game. Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to return.
2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.
3. The "Tube". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete, but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying "whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball when wet, smells like a dead dog.
Offside
There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size pitch", and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as "moochers", "gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates' failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.
Adjudication
The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted ways of doing this.
1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a pure skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.
2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand that the concept we know as "justice" rests in these circumstances with the hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively elected.
Team Selection
To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players' ability, there is also a sliding scale of players' brutality and propensities towards motiveless violence. A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he'd "rather have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in".
Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his gemme", and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked late and withdraws his favours.
Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up the other end.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "Ye canny make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".
Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.
Bigger boy steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Chic Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage:
Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "moochin' wee bastart" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.
*Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's no' a full-size pitch".
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch
For the Arsenal fans out there, you might be interested to know that I'm off to Southampton v Arsenal this weekend entertaining my guys from Eidos. Free beer and food before the match, at halftime and after the game too. Smart dress, bugger, but free parking, um, wahey.
Southampton have everything to play for but are shit, whereas Arsenal have been a different kind of shit so may have given up on the league and may rest players in favour of the Champions League, their best chance to win anything this season other than the Mickey Mouse sponsored FA Cup.
If you add all that together and the fact that I'm going, it's got 0-0 written all over it.
Southampton have everything to play for but are shit, whereas Arsenal have been a different kind of shit so may have given up on the league and may rest players in favour of the Champions League, their best chance to win anything this season other than the Mickey Mouse sponsored FA Cup.
If you add all that together and the fact that I'm going, it's got 0-0 written all over it.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Yeah but don't get your hopes up - I know you're all thinking of a gang of 15 lovely ladies on a hen night staying in the other rooms, but you know that's just a pipe dream. More likely to be 20 psychos from Cardiff or even if it is a hen night then they'll all be fat mingers from Scunthorpe.
Matt rubs his hands in anticipation...
Matt rubs his hands in anticipation...
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Thursday, February 17, 2005
I'm in for the Shefford tour.
I'm not training either tonight. Just resting for a week if theres no game. Although I still have the ball print on my leg from Lewis's free kick, and it still bloody hurts. It went a shade of purple and is now pink again... I wouldn't advise getting in the way of his shots, although most keepers would tell you that.
I'm not training either tonight. Just resting for a week if theres no game. Although I still have the ball print on my leg from Lewis's free kick, and it still bloody hurts. It went a shade of purple and is now pink again... I wouldn't advise getting in the way of his shots, although most keepers would tell you that.
That's the week we're going for. No idea what you mean about it being the best week for you cos you're on holiday the week after and probably won't get the time off. Surely if you're going on holiday the week after then you already have the time off. Surely then it's the best week for you because you're on holiday the week after and just stop typing there. Unless you meant it's the worst week for you? In which case you shouldn't use the word best. It has a completely different meaning which changes the whole sentence. If it's the worst week for you because you're on holiday the week after so you probably won't get the time off, that makes sense. But then if you typed that you'd probably get one of the other words twisted so you'd say that it's the worst week for you because you're on holiday the week after and you probably won't get the gimp-mask off. Then we're back to square one.
You coming or not?
You coming or not?
As far as I'm aware there's no game - but sometimes the league put fixtures together out of 'spare' teams so that may happen. Have to find out from Genghis tonight.
£15 per person per night at http://www.vacationlodge.co.uk for Friday 13th and Saturday 14th May. The only difficulty is that they will need definite numbers, so people will need to decide very quickly whether they are going or not, and once they're in if they don't go they may not get their deposit back. Also, if you say you can't go and then you find out later that you can, you may not get a bed here - not to say you can't come, you just might have to find yourself a room somewhere else...
So have a think about it - tell the people that don't come on the blogger and get people to txt me to say whether they're in or out.
Woohoo - Newquay. No lapdancing clubs, but should be a hell of a laugh. Once I know numbers I'll look at getting us some surfing lessons on the Saturday daytime... Urgh, John Sills in a wetsuit.
£15 per person per night at http://www.vacationlodge.co.uk for Friday 13th and Saturday 14th May. The only difficulty is that they will need definite numbers, so people will need to decide very quickly whether they are going or not, and once they're in if they don't go they may not get their deposit back. Also, if you say you can't go and then you find out later that you can, you may not get a bed here - not to say you can't come, you just might have to find yourself a room somewhere else...
So have a think about it - tell the people that don't come on the blogger and get people to txt me to say whether they're in or out.
Woohoo - Newquay. No lapdancing clubs, but should be a hell of a laugh. Once I know numbers I'll look at getting us some surfing lessons on the Saturday daytime... Urgh, John Sills in a wetsuit.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Right I'm just about to start forwarding you guys an email of this new band - they're targeted at teenagers 12-19 years old - so if you know anyone or know anyone that knows anyone who might be interested in this sort of band/music then forward it on. Trouble is you have to forward it to 3 people at a time (otherwise you don't get to see the full exclusive vid shot on location in California!!!!) so you may have to send it to some people who you know may not know people in the target market.
Forward it anyway, as the more people who get it and forward it the better job it looks like I've done...
Cheers!
p.s Mikey I can't make training this week, neither can Dave Frew, Frewy told me last night about Paul's tackle on Dave Lewis while he was just about to score. That's the sort of hunger you need in front of goal. If Dave Lewis had that sort of hunger he'd have scored four.
Forward it anyway, as the more people who get it and forward it the better job it looks like I've done...
Cheers!
p.s Mikey I can't make training this week, neither can Dave Frew, Frewy told me last night about Paul's tackle on Dave Lewis while he was just about to score. That's the sort of hunger you need in front of goal. If Dave Lewis had that sort of hunger he'd have scored four.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Basically they went up for a header, which Dave won. Then as they came down they bald headed twat just decided that he wanted to Stamp on Dave Frew's Ankle, right in front of the referee.
He had no choice but to send him off.
End of June is probably the best time as im off to Halkadiki end of May.
If anyone is bored on Saturday, or wants something to do or just enjoys painting then any help would be much appreciated when I move.
He had no choice but to send him off.
End of June is probably the best time as im off to Halkadiki end of May.
If anyone is bored on Saturday, or wants something to do or just enjoys painting then any help would be much appreciated when I move.
Johnny no need to informe everyone your easy your from essex they all are easy why do you think i moved back!!! anyhow any weekend is good shane but I need to know very soon as i may need to book saturday and friday as of summer time longer hours i go back to working one saturday in three!! (BT Bunch of Twats) Great result sunday lads, although they were desperatly shocking we played really good football on the ground stuff, easy really aint it!! and we didn't really fool around which would have been very easy to do. Well done again. Roll on the world tour. Will cantona be at the beach football in cornwall??
Monday, February 14, 2005
Just the one I think, but they only had 10 to start with. Did any of their players turn up during the second half shouting "You wanker!" at their manager?
I hope they stay in the league, 6 points, a bucket of goals and some good entertainment. Plus, despite coming bottom with probably a record in terms of goals conceded and (lack of) points, knowing this league they'll probably stay up anyway and Hermitage Reserves won't get promoted again... Ha ha ha... Sandy you twat.
I hope they stay in the league, 6 points, a bucket of goals and some good entertainment. Plus, despite coming bottom with probably a record in terms of goals conceded and (lack of) points, knowing this league they'll probably stay up anyway and Hermitage Reserves won't get promoted again... Ha ha ha... Sandy you twat.
Good sporting attitude from Blue Ball there then. Yes the ref should have sent him off for that really, but maybe he was worried about them getting down to the 6 player limit where he'd have had to have abandoned the match. You'd think they'd have got used to getting tonked by now as well, maybe they saw that we only drew with Westwood and thought they had a chance. I see MDM only beat Westwood 2-1 last week though... We've taken some heavy blows this season but are still in 5th position. Just for info.
Great result yesterday chaps, old cliche you can only beat what is is front of you. We did that well, have to say though they are a moaning bunch of bastards, constantly winging that anything that doesn't go their way.
Whenever is good for me for Shefford's tour to Cornwall, just let us know early so that I can book the Friday off work. The rest of this week, I will be packing as moving house on Friday, so house warming party soon to come. (excuse for a piss up)
Whenever is good for me for Shefford's tour to Cornwall, just let us know early so that I can book the Friday off work. The rest of this week, I will be packing as moving house on Friday, so house warming party soon to come. (excuse for a piss up)
I am provisionally earmarking Friday 3rd and Saturday 4th of June for this year's Shefford FC World Tour to Newquay, Cornwall, as this is one of the latest weekends that people will accept non-weeklong bookings.
Can you all get back to me asap to let me know whether that means any of you definitely cannot make it?
Cheers,
SB
Can you all get back to me asap to let me know whether that means any of you definitely cannot make it?
Cheers,
SB
Friday, February 11, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I agree, I thought Sills and Frew worked hard, created a few chances themselves, and had very little service from us. I think if we could have put some decent balls over the top, Jonny would have had the pace to beat there defence, but unfortunately the killer ball wasn't there.
...and they did work harder than Lewis when he went up front, but a gentle jog would have been more than Lewis did !!
...and they did work harder than Lewis when he went up front, but a gentle jog would have been more than Lewis did !!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I'm back from outer space.
Unlucky on Sunday lads, sounds like it was just bad luck with the keeper situation this time. How the deadly duo of Frew and Sills didn't notch a goal or two I have no idea - their keeper must have been shaking when he saw the team sheet.
On a brighter note, I had a wicked time up in the Arctic Circle, froze my nuts off and paid £5 a pint, but had a great time.
See you tomorrow night for training, with my altitude training and the pure air up there, I expect to be 10 times fitter than before. Should be able to just about keep up with Beeny then.
Unlucky on Sunday lads, sounds like it was just bad luck with the keeper situation this time. How the deadly duo of Frew and Sills didn't notch a goal or two I have no idea - their keeper must have been shaking when he saw the team sheet.
On a brighter note, I had a wicked time up in the Arctic Circle, froze my nuts off and paid £5 a pint, but had a great time.
See you tomorrow night for training, with my altitude training and the pure air up there, I expect to be 10 times fitter than before. Should be able to just about keep up with Beeny then.
Monday, February 07, 2005
So noone fancied writing any type of match report then? It was a funny one yesterday, we didnt play badly but I guess we just got out played and out classed. Still, it was a much better result and performance than last time we played them, so lets look forward to Sunday, and try to get in a good performance and some goals to celebrate...Here is a picture of a Melon
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
I think that was very well summed up Shane.
I seem to have totally lost my 1st touch, and seem to be getting caught with my head down when I have the ball, and can't find players when i try and pass it.
I am totally guilty of being shit on Sunday, Taylor saved my ass so many times, hence why he got MOTM I guess. And I was sober.
We very rarely have good passing spells and spells of good possession, like they had at the start of the second half, they must have made 10/15 passes without us touching it, it resulted in a 30 shot which went over, but it was a good piece of play.
I seem to have totally lost my 1st touch, and seem to be getting caught with my head down when I have the ball, and can't find players when i try and pass it.
I am totally guilty of being shit on Sunday, Taylor saved my ass so many times, hence why he got MOTM I guess. And I was sober.
We very rarely have good passing spells and spells of good possession, like they had at the start of the second half, they must have made 10/15 passes without us touching it, it resulted in a 30 shot which went over, but it was a good piece of play.
Ok smurfy I will - will try and get them to write a song about Shefford FC. Tons of rhymes available - wee, pee, glee, free, me, thee, he, she, we, gee, bee, knee, see, tea, key, pea, twee, glee, lee, fee, dee, v, serendipity, man this thing writes itself.
Johnny there are about 8 different reasons that we only drew on Sunday. Fraid "missed chances" has to weigh up there with the best of them. Dave was guilty of missing of a couple of early chances, then the keeper made many fine saves including two that 9 times out of ten would have gone in, then I missed one of the easiest chances ever right at the end of the game. I made it myself too, so if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have looked like a dick, like I did.
Overall play was very poor too - we had on numerous occasions people passing the ball round us and running on to receive the ball back completely unchallenged and unmarked. The first goal and the penalty were purely down to this, where we had the same number of people as them in the same place, but two or more of our players were following either the same player or the ball, meaning they had at least one player in a ton of space. Dunno why that's started happening, our awareness has just disappeared.
And defending then, because of that, wasn't the greatest. At times it was fine, but for some reason (and again this is all over the pitch, not just the back four at all) we don't seem to be able to head the ball anymore. Whether it's because we've got used to playing no over head height at training I don't know, but we can't win any headers from goal kicks and when the ball was coming across our box or into our area in the air, it was dropping every time (except when Ashley the new keeper was coming out to punch it). But otherwise everytime it was falling to the ground and, because of the awareness, typically falling to their players.
I can't remember who said it but they were right - it's not as though we're even challenging in the air and losing out, it's that somehow we never have anyone even near the ball when it's dropping from the air, so they're getting it easy. Maybe it's a training thing, maybe it's a mental thing.
To be fair, a very slight change in luck and we could have played badly like that and still come away with all 3 points. That said, they had the ball over the line at one point but the ref couldn't see it properly so didn't give a goal, but other than that they rarely troubled our keeper, whereas their keeper made a string of good saves and we were guilty of not putting away a host of chances to either make the game comfortable before they came back and equalised, then the main chance at the end for me to win it.
I think, in general, everybody needs to have a good look at themselves before next Sunday and work out whether they're pulling their weight or at their best recently. It seems that since our little run of good wins and me saying that key players were starting to produce good stuff at the right time, that the same key players have stopped doing that. And I say that with no "high and mighty" feeling cos I know that I was far from my best on Sunday myself.
It was a very frustrating game, but it puts pay to any discussion about promotion, etc, so should enable people to just take some time to focus on their own game and we should see some improvement over the next few weeks. Don't worry about whether we win or not or score 10 goals or not, just play some decent football and tighten things up a bit.
Just my opinion.
Also, I don't know whether anyone else feels this way, but I've found in the last two games that I'm struggling to kick the ball properly, can't lift it or get any power into it - and I'm wondering whether that's a product of a season of indoor training with a lighter ball and no grass...?
Johnny there are about 8 different reasons that we only drew on Sunday. Fraid "missed chances" has to weigh up there with the best of them. Dave was guilty of missing of a couple of early chances, then the keeper made many fine saves including two that 9 times out of ten would have gone in, then I missed one of the easiest chances ever right at the end of the game. I made it myself too, so if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have looked like a dick, like I did.
Overall play was very poor too - we had on numerous occasions people passing the ball round us and running on to receive the ball back completely unchallenged and unmarked. The first goal and the penalty were purely down to this, where we had the same number of people as them in the same place, but two or more of our players were following either the same player or the ball, meaning they had at least one player in a ton of space. Dunno why that's started happening, our awareness has just disappeared.
And defending then, because of that, wasn't the greatest. At times it was fine, but for some reason (and again this is all over the pitch, not just the back four at all) we don't seem to be able to head the ball anymore. Whether it's because we've got used to playing no over head height at training I don't know, but we can't win any headers from goal kicks and when the ball was coming across our box or into our area in the air, it was dropping every time (except when Ashley the new keeper was coming out to punch it). But otherwise everytime it was falling to the ground and, because of the awareness, typically falling to their players.
I can't remember who said it but they were right - it's not as though we're even challenging in the air and losing out, it's that somehow we never have anyone even near the ball when it's dropping from the air, so they're getting it easy. Maybe it's a training thing, maybe it's a mental thing.
To be fair, a very slight change in luck and we could have played badly like that and still come away with all 3 points. That said, they had the ball over the line at one point but the ref couldn't see it properly so didn't give a goal, but other than that they rarely troubled our keeper, whereas their keeper made a string of good saves and we were guilty of not putting away a host of chances to either make the game comfortable before they came back and equalised, then the main chance at the end for me to win it.
I think, in general, everybody needs to have a good look at themselves before next Sunday and work out whether they're pulling their weight or at their best recently. It seems that since our little run of good wins and me saying that key players were starting to produce good stuff at the right time, that the same key players have stopped doing that. And I say that with no "high and mighty" feeling cos I know that I was far from my best on Sunday myself.
It was a very frustrating game, but it puts pay to any discussion about promotion, etc, so should enable people to just take some time to focus on their own game and we should see some improvement over the next few weeks. Don't worry about whether we win or not or score 10 goals or not, just play some decent football and tighten things up a bit.
Just my opinion.
Also, I don't know whether anyone else feels this way, but I've found in the last two games that I'm struggling to kick the ball properly, can't lift it or get any power into it - and I'm wondering whether that's a product of a season of indoor training with a lighter ball and no grass...?
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