For the benefit of JS.

A record breaking 13-1 victory for Shefford. They said bad weather can be a great leveller, well tell that to striker Shane Bellamy who scored all 13 goals for Shefford, each one better than the other and using a different part of his body. He'll be walking gingerly after number seven. Nobody else even got an assist, as Bellamy worked hard to get the ball for himself each time, often deep within his own six-yard box, before one-twoing the ball with himself up the pitch, dinking it over midfielders, nutmegging defenders and screaming at his own team mates to GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY before drilling, placing, heading, punting, spinning, volleying and even drop-kicking the ball home.

Even the one goal conceded was a Bellamy own goal struck with enough aplomb to warrant a round of applause by the referee, both linesmen and the four teams playing on the pitches either side of pitch 7 at Henwick, now to be known as Pitch Bellers.

The opposition substitutes refused to go on and Shefford manager Smurf had to be sedated after his 8th orgasm midway through the first half.

Shane Bellamy was unavailable for comment, though the Newbury Weekly News is rumoured to be giving the story front page coverage with the headline simply, "Shane" and no other words on the page. Record sales are expected.