A very quick overview of the Torquay tour cos I've got a busy week and don't know when I'll be able to do a longer update and don't want it to be out of date info:-

Names may have been changed to protect the innocent. (so if your name has been changed and you don't think it needs to be then let me know - no one actually did anything wrong you just never know how people (women) are going to react to this stuff)

Various parties arrived at various times on Friday, some were pissed already, some headed straight to a dive of a pub called The Lansdowne to "engineer" the pool table into allowing free pool to be played all day. I'll not go into details about my afternoon cos I'm not entirely sure what happened.

Either way, everybody then made their way down into town on the Friday evening, accompanied by Macca's belt buckle (which I've realised I never got a close-up photo of - so this is needed).

Bars, clubs and pubs passed. I've realised that my recollection of Friday night is not what it might have been. I remember dancing in Yates' when no other fucker was in there. I remember Macca and "Hugo" talking to a couple of right mingers and "Larry" talking to some German hoes. Macca wowed the women in Bar Med til the mingers turned up and cramped his style. Oh, "Hugo" seemed to spend the first hour of the evening being groomed by a Crimean War veteran who told him that he owned the pub we were drinking in (whilst carrying his belongings around in a carrier bag).

Ended up in a club called Venue which was actually okay. Lots of dancing going on with myself and "Eddie" vying for the close-up dancing attention of the off-her-head raver chick who would only dance with you if she thought you were also off-your-head on Ecstaticness or whatever those crazy kids are calling it these days.

I had a kebab. Others stayed longer and saw various fights/kickings/throwings out.

I'm sure there must be more to that night so suggestions on a postcard please - my brain is one big gap.

Saturday started with a hearty breakfast for which all were present. We then moved on to the water park which wasn't open yet. Footy on the beach ensued. I say beach, "some sand and stones" is more realistic. Skins won on a next-goal-wins rule.

Water park was a sure-fire hit. Been ages since I've been told off by a cute (insert age here - very hard to tell) year old for not coming down a slide feet first on my rubber tube. I'm 34. The next time a cute teenager talks to me about a rubber tube she'll be attaching it to my bowels.

Highlights had to be the Kamikaze distance competitions (Ilsley and Atkins winners respectively), Adam throwing Miller's tube down the ride without Miller on it and Adam (spot the pattern) throwing someon's tube just completely off the whole ride from 40 feet up in the air.

Smurf tried to rape Macca in the changing rooms.

Off for lunch in Paignton then the Pirate-themed crazy golf. I have an ancestor who was a pirate, so I was in my element. Shit at golf though, so JT actually stormed through to claim the kitty, while Adam took last place with a dismal 12 over par, though Dave Screw was the only one to hole the 18th.

Quick stop back at the B&B to drop off bags and put pants on, then off to a beer garden for a few afternoon bevvies. All very nice.

Somehow things seemed to take a turn here - back to the B&B for showers and changing into evening gear. A combination of the sun we'd caught during the day, the alcohol consumed that day, the alcohol consumed the day/night before and the lack of sleep, seemed to catch different people in different ways. I'm ashamed to say me worst of all, as when I sat down in the curry house I got the feeling that if I tried to stand up again my body was going to react in a random manner.

Other people suffered a the same point, seemed to be the gap in drink consumption plus maybe the temperature in the curry house. Dave Screw looked worse of all (especially after devouring a spicy jalfrezi) but, true to form, drank his mofo-ing way through it all.

Random moment where ugly fat bird struggling to maintain her balance suddenly looked at Matt and said "PRINCE WILLIAM!!!" and started bowing. "Hugo" nicked her camera in the hope that she had taken some photos of her Fallujah at some point earlier in her trip to Torquay.

Various bars and clubs, mingers and maids and pirates showing their bras on the table later, we made a break for a meat-market nightclub, where some of us stayed, some of us retired and some of us went back into town cos they'd found their energy reserves or still wanted to touch up women in dark bars.

From here I have to leave the story, as while I managed to make it through midnight I didn't make it much further and, suffering badly, limped home to bed. I have heard rumours of activites from those who went back into town, but they are yet to be confirmed (apparently with photo evidence).

I know this. Torquay is easily a match for Newquay, and it was a top weekend away where everyone stuck together like glue and the group dynamic was extremely strong - a great laugh so well done to everyone. Special thanks to Dave Screw for suggesting which bar next, which club next, where to eat, what to do during the day and all that.

Further updates tomorrow as more info comes to light and my memory starts to kick back in a bit.

And I have a 60-second plus video of Smurf getting changed (full on) if anyone wants it.

No?