Right, come on then Smurf, obviously I need to know if you're serious. If you're offended by me asking then it's your own fault. Once upon a time there was a little boy who cried wolf. Then Aha wrote a song about it and everybody had to suffer. So, if you're serious about retirement then I need to know now cos I obviously need to get a new keeper in and I need to start looking now. But, if I go to all the hassle of getting a new keeper in then that means you'd be out on your ear, cos I wouldn't want to poach somebody and then at the beginning of the season turn round and tell him that you're in goal. And I'd rather have you in goal, so that would be very awkward and if news got out then I can't guarantee that Aha won't write another bloody song. I wish I could. If you're just looking for some love, then please stay, the whole change around of the team began with you going in goal so it'd obviously be a shame to see you go, but if you're going for 'family' reasons, then that's fine but I need to get a new keeper and we're back to where we were above.

Personally, I can't see why you would retire now, you're fitter than you've been since I've known you, slimmer, in better shape and not as old as other players in the squad who are still going strong after a good night's sleep. But obviously it's up to you. If you want more persuading then fine, let me know, I have a whole host of arguments for every eventuality. If you're stuck on the moon, you may have got me there, but I'm sure we can work around it. You'd be able to throw back some of Dave's shots for a start.

But seriously, I'll need to know now, and I'll need to know why, not just "I'm retiring".