Matt, be aware that the Liechtenstein national anthem is the same tune as God Save The Queen. So when the guy starts singing it tonight make sure you're not joining in with the one where the lyrics are in German.

Okay, so you're not happy doing the monkey impressions. I've heard that the Englad squad are running short of funds and there's not enough energy drinks or water for the squad tonight. So, what I suggest is that you pick a player, lets say Ashley Cole, and take along a stock of high-energy food for him to have throughout the game. I suggest bananas. Gordon Strachan swears by them. So, at regular intervals during the game, throw your bananas at Ashley Cole. Guarantee you'll get on telly with Linekar saying what a great idea it is, and Cole himself will probably want to thank you personally after the game.

You need to have a gimmick if you're gonna get on telly. Is it just the three of you? You need something, something you're wearing or something you're doing which will get you spotted by the cameras. Elvis costumes are a sure-fire winner, but expensive to hire and it's a little short notice. Flat caps and pipes? Those groucho marx glasses with nose and moustache? Have a think on your way up, but just being pissed won't be enough. I'm setting my video for it in case you get on. We should have given you Shefford kit to wear. But then it would just look like a cheap fake version of the England kit...

Smurf, I've phoned Chelsea and told them you're not for sale. They were gutted cos they said they had the right change and everything.