Morning chaps, back from Mexico, though I'm afraid I can't make Sunday's game. I take it there was no game last weekend then? We're still 2nd bottom on goal difference and with Chav Friend needing to win to secure the league (how the fuck?) it could be a tricky one.

Here's a strategy for you, they need a point to win the league, we need a point to stay up (we believe). I suggest you take hand puppets to explain it to them. Trouble is, they'll obviously fancy beating us with some ease, so we need to make it worthwhile to them. That's where Sillsy comes in, I suggest dressing him up as an arabian princess and offering them to him as a gift if they agree to draw the game.

Good luck everybody.