Cool, so even Neil agrees then. Good attitude everyone. We'll have him at pro-athlete standard before the end of the season. There is the genocide run, which is where along with the 6yd, 18yd, halfway line, etc, you also turn at the penalty spot, edge of the D and edge of the centre circle... So, as Neil is fully onboard with this, whenever we do murder runs, he'll do a genocide run.

No Neil, you can't join in the assist game. I know it's not as easy to score 30 goals a season when it's Dave alongside you and not me, but then Dave gets 30 goals a season and I didn't, so it's swings and roundabouts. Little bit of confidence in your shooting and you'll be pinging them in too. Or feint a shot and slip the ball through to someone. You don't join in the assist game but you'll get everyone's respect. Anyway, you linked up beautifully against Brimpton and you got the lions share of the goals. Then when you turned provider he f*cked it up so you wouldn't get an assist anyway....

We'll keep an eye out for you on telly boys, but you may have to do something daft so that the camera focuses on you. I suggest acting like a monkey or something, the camera's love that sort of stuff, especially if Cole or Campbell come running past. How they'll laugh. In fact, before the game, ask them for an autograph and when they come over all three of you start doing monkey impressions - classic comedy.